Silent Nights: When the Holidays Hurt

The holiday season often brings joy and celebration, but for many adults, it can also trigger deep feelings of grief. The absence of loved ones, reminders of past traditions, and the pressure to appear cheerful can make this time especially difficult. Understanding what normal grief looks like during the holidays, recognizing when grief becomes prolonged, and knowing where to find support can help adults manage their emotions and find peace.

Empty chair by the fireplace during holiday season

What Normal Grief Looks Like During the Holidays

Grief is a natural response to loss, and it often intensifies during the holiday season. For adults, this can mean feeling sadness, loneliness, or even anger when faced with memories of those who are no longer present. These feelings are normal and expected.

Some common signs of normal holiday grief include:

• Waves of sadness that come and go, often triggered by specific memories or traditions.

• Changes in appetite or sleep patterns that last a few days.

• Difficulty concentrating on holiday tasks or events.

• Moments of joy mixed with sorrow, such as laughing at a family story but then feeling tearful.

• A desire to honor the memory of the loved one through rituals or quiet reflection.

  
  

Normal grief usually lessens over time, even if it resurfaces during special occasions like holidays.

How to Identify Prolonged Grief

While grief is natural, it can sometimes become prolonged or complicated. Prolonged grief disorder affects about 7% of bereaved adults and involves intense, persistent grief that interferes with daily life for months or years.

Signs that grief may be prolonged include:

• Persistent, intense longing or preoccupation with the deceased that does not improve.

• Inability to engage in daily activities or enjoy life.

• Feelings of numbness or detachment from others.

• Avoidance of reminders of the loss to the point of isolation.

• Physical symptoms like fatigue or pain without clear cause.

• Thoughts of self-harm or hopelessness.

  
  

If these signs last longer than six months and disrupt normal functioning, it may be time to seek professional help.

Calendar with holiday dates and grief support reminders

What Adults Can Do to Manage Grief During the Holidays

Managing grief during the holidays requires a balance between honoring feelings and caring for oneself. Here are practical steps adults can take:

• Set realistic expectations. It’s okay to say no to events or traditions that feel overwhelming.

• Create new traditions. Introduce activities that feel meaningful without causing distress.

• Allow yourself to feel. Suppressing grief can increase stress; permit yourself moments of sadness.

• Reach out for support. Talk with trusted friends or family members who understand your loss.

• Practice self-care. Prioritize sleep, nutrition, and gentle exercise.

• Limit alcohol and caffeine. These can worsen mood swings and anxiety.

• Use rituals to remember. Lighting a candle, sharing stories, or visiting a special place can provide comfort.

  
  

For example, an adult who lost a parent might choose to bake their favorite holiday cookies as a way to feel connected while also creating a new memory.

Where to Find Help With Grief

Support is available in many forms, and reaching out can make a significant difference. Adults struggling with grief during the holidays can consider:

• Grief support groups. Many communities and organizations offer group meetings where people share experiences and coping strategies.

• Counseling or therapy. Licensed therapists can provide tools to process grief and manage emotions.

• Online resources. Websites and forums offer articles, videos, and peer support.

• Faith communities. Many find comfort and guidance through spiritual support.

• Crisis hotlines. For immediate help, hotlines provide confidential support.

  
  

Local hospitals, community centers, and mental health clinics often have information about available resources.

Therapist’s office with calming decor and comfortable seating

Treatment Options for Grief

Treatment for grief depends on its severity and individual needs. For normal grief, self-care and support from loved ones may be enough. When grief becomes prolonged or complicated, professional treatment can help.

Common approaches include:

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Helps adults identify and change unhelpful thoughts related to loss.

• Complicated grief therapy (CGT). A specialized form of therapy targeting prolonged grief symptoms.

• Medication. Sometimes prescribed for depression or anxiety that accompanies grief.

• Mindfulness and relaxation techniques. These reduce stress and improve emotional regulation.

  
  

Research shows that therapy tailored to grief can reduce symptoms and improve quality of life. For example, adults who participate in CGT often report feeling more connected to life and less overwhelmed by their loss.